FFA Journeys Part 2

Photo Credit: Jackie McClaskey

Last year I had the opportunity to be a part of a great experience that taught me a lot about myself, my values, and my areas for growth.

I began the process with no small amount of excitement and anticipation. I completed my intent to run form and submitted it as fast as I could. This was the point when I began to do insane amounts of research about agriculture and what was going on in the industry. After awhile it became more than research for the sake of knowing the information. I began researching because I actually cared about many of the topics that were affecting many peoples lives. I was no longer going through the motions but rather thinking about how this affects me s well as those around me.

Throughout this period of research I had the opportunity to participate in growth interviews. These interviews are to help the candidate, in this case me, understand what the actual interviews would be like as well as to gain feedback for self improvement. During the growth interviews I was asked questions about agriculture, education, and past experiences. Some of these questions I had never thought about and it made me question how much I truly knew about myself.

As I got further into to the process I began to have doubts. There were other people in the running who were so much better than I was when it came to knowing themselves and their facts about agriculture. I felt like I was not as qualified as they were. Soon enough the real interviews were upon me. I would wake up every morning and try to look my best for the nominating committee. I would go to the waiting room to check in and get a much needed cup of coffee. i would join in the lighthearted conversation with the rest of the candidates. The truth was that seeing all of them having fun made me feel even more inadequate. Were they not under the same pressure I was?

I went through the rest of the interviews trying to hide my feelings and make myself seem as put together as possible. When it came time to go to the session where they would announce the candidates that were slated I went to the auditorium and found a good friend of mine and broke down. This was not the first time this week I had cried, but this was the first time I had let anyone see. They announced the slate later in that session and my name wasn't called. I felt a mix of emotions at first: some anger, regret, sadness, and most of all, let down. Not so much let down by the committee. They were good people who knew what they were doing. I felt as if I had let myself down. I put so much of myself into the process that it I was physically exhausted and collapsed. I didn't move for a solid minute. It began to sink in and I began to cry again along with a few others who didn't make the slate.

My advisor came backstage and helped me move to another room where she just stood in silence and let me cry. I cried until my head hurt and my eyes would not let me cry anymore. Then I stood in silence, wondering if I was not a good person. Wondering if I was not involved enough in agriculture. I kept thinking thoughts that began with the phrase, "what if?" I was going crazy and soon I was too exhausted to even think. My advisor did the best thing possible and just stood there with me, not trying to tell me I was a good person or comfort me with what at the time would have seemed like empty words. She just stood there and let me cry and let me feel.

I realized later after I spoke with my advisor that it wasn't because I was a bad person or not involved enough. It was simply a matter of if I was ready. We spoke at length about my areas for growth and how I could use my strengths to grow in the future.

The point I'm trying to make is that when something doesn't go the way you want it to, let yourself take in what is happening then. Let yourself take in the feelings that you have because they are real, but whatever you do DO NOT give up on yourself. You may not be ready for what you have planned, but let yourself be ready for what God has planned.